Heaven, Hell, Something In Between
by Ellixer
Summary: After Resurrection how does life begin again.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Heaven, Hell, Something In Between

Rating: M

Author: Ellixer

Pairing: X/G

Disclaimer: Characters and show are owned by Universal and others. The story is mine. I make nothing.

Note: After coming back to life, a coming back together.

It's a dance of awkwardness. We die; fight as demon and archangel; then resurrect and adjust once again as warriors. But adjusting as people and friends is a bit different, especially when we aren't alone. Definitely when I have Joxer staring at me every five seconds like Aphrodite's hit him with a spell.

The closer to Greece we get, the colder the air seems to grow. We walk near each other, but not necessarily next to each other, the space makes the cold seem so much worse. Something between us hasn't been settled yet, I'm not sure what that is.

I tousle my short hair, trying to jostle my thoughts into place. Maybe if Joxer and Amarice weren't here? Maybe I should get her alone, force her to talk to me? You can't force Xena to do anything though. I have to wait till we make camp and follow her. Of course that's also when Joxer tends to make his presence more notably known so I'll have to dance around him somehow.

I speed my steps up, pulling up next to Amarice; I grab her arm and speed up more, pulling us both ahead of the group.

'Hey?!' She looks at me in bewilderment. Clearing my throat I lean in, talking under my breath.

'I need you to do me a favor.' Her eyebrows are still raised but she's curious.

'What?'

'When we make camp, I need you to keep Joxer off my hands for a little while.' Her eyebrows fall, now she just looks annoyed.

'How do you expect me to do that?' She's trying to yank her arm out of my hand, but I hold firm.

'Look Amarice. I need some time to talk with Xena, and I can't do that with Joxer following me around.' It's as if a sudden realization hits her and she looks somewhat ashamed.

'Oh, uh, yeah. I'll figure something out.' She nods her head at me suddenly serious. I give her a smile, patting her arm before falling back to my place by Xena and her horse.

The rest of the day passes as all others have lately. A few words, a few laughs, but nothing of substance, nothing to run home and tell mom about. I'm getting anxious, trying to figure out exactly what I'm going to say to Xena because I really don't know yet.

We finally stop to make camp and I quietly follow Xena as Amarice distracts Joxer with chores. I know Xena can hear me following her so I wait till we're far enough away before I say anything.

'Can we talk?' She tries to act like she's more interested in hunting.

'Don't you want to eat?' Her eyes are scanning the ground for tracks.

'Xena, please?' I'm tired of the way things are stuck. How can we know we will be together for eternity but have such a hard time connecting right now? She sighs, shoulders drop but still she doesn't turn to face me.

'Xena.' I reach out, my fingertips barely brush across her shoulder.

'I don't blame you.' She says quietly, head hanging low.

'For what?' My hand drops to my side, my fingers curl up and I'm suddenly wondering what I've done wrong. She turns finally; eye's full of hurt but no tears to wash it away.

'For not joining me in hell.' Why had that never crossed my mind? 'You never belonged there. If they hadn't let me become an Archangel I would have jumped.' As if an afterthought. 'I did jump.'

'What do you mean you jumped?' I want to move closer but I can sense she doesn't want that yet. She looks at me intensely.

'I wasn't going to leave you there by yourself.' There's a hint of anger in her words as she spits them out at me. I rake my fingers roughly through my hair. So it's me and I never even realized it. 'I don't blame you.' She says again, her voice soft once more as she takes a step towards me. But I don't believe her now.

'I'm….I'm so sorry.' I manage to look up at her but it's hard to accept the pain that I've caused. She shakes her head at me.

'I don't blame you.' She repeats, moving up so she's nearly against me. 'I would never have wanted that, there's just that small part of me that's hurt that you never even considered it.' I reach my hand up to touch her face but she shakes it away. 'No, I know it's stupid.'

'You feel betrayed.' She looks away, but says nothing. That's an answer in itself. 'Xena?' What can I possibly say or do?

'Don't worry about it.' She turns back to me, trying to act as if nothing has happened.

'No Xena, I mean it, I'm sorry.' I struggle with myself for a second before finally grasping her arms. We lock eyes, having a silent conversation that's somehow conveying things we can't seem to speak. I let go and we break apart, walking towards the small river and standing on its bank. The birds are still singing and warbling in the tree's, keeping the forest alive with noise.

'How about fish?' She asks after a while. The sun is beginning to go down and I don't think the others would be too happy if we got back without something to eat. I nod as she wades out into the water. Within minutes she's gotten more than enough fish for all of us.

I can't seem to find the right words, the words that will make everything alright again. I'm not really used to being on this side of the equation. We're walking back to camp and she's trying to reassure me that I have nothing to worry about, but if that were true then there wouldn't have been a gap between us this whole time.

I have no idea what everyone's talking about as we sit around the campfire picking at our fish. I'm stuck in my own brain, locked in a battle with myself. I know at some point someone is trying to get my attention, but it's not Xena so I don't really care.

I need to get away from everyone, sort out my thoughts and figure out how I'm going to fix this, because I am. Why is it that the one thing I always seem to do to her is to betray her, the one thing that hurts her most. I drop my plate down, walking away from everyone without saying a word. I hear Joxer calling out to me, he better not follow, I'm in no mood to be nice to him right now. My feet are moving but I'm not really paying attention to where I'm going. I just walk until I can't seem to walk anymore.

The night is clear but I can't make out the stars through the canopy of trees. There's nothing to sit on so I drop where I stand, nothing but dead leaves below me, frost already seeming to form on everything. I hug my knees to my chest and rest my chin on top of them.

'You know sulking doesn't help.'

"I'm not sulking.'

'What would you call it?' Xena sits down next to me, wrapping a blanket around us both.

'Contemplation.' She nods her head, then gets up building a fire in front of us. It takes a few minutes before its roaring and she returns to her place next to me, pulling the blanket around her shoulders.

'I told you I don't blame you.' We're both staring at the dancing flames as if that's who we're having the conversation with.

'But you do.'

'I don't know what it is I feel.' She turns, looking at me. 'There have been a lot of feelings and I can't decide what to do with them all.' I think I know what she's talking about. That moment when I was cleansed and became an archangel I suddenly knew and felt things I would never have known otherwise. That's how I knew we would be together for eternity, no matter what. That's why I didn't join her in hell. Something told me that no matter what, we would be together.

'Xena, that's why I didn't go, because I knew we would be together.' She's nodding her head at me, biting her bottom lip.

'I know, I felt it too.' What is it that she doesn't want to say? 'They showed me all the possibilities, for me and for you. The good and the bad and…' She turns away, tears glistening. 'They are just possibilities but if I left you there are so many good things that could happen for you.' Her head swings back to me, earnestness in her eyes.

'And many bad things too?' She doesn't say anything. I know how to play the game of possibilities and what ifs. It's too easy to get lost in that labyrinth. 'Why are you going to let it torture you? Why are you going to let it torture me?' She looks at me confused.

'You're trying to push a wedge between us.' I grab her hands in mine as she sighs.

'I just I don't want to be your downfall.' She whispers.

'Isn't it too late for that?' I've died how many times? Xena doesn't find this funny. 'Come on Xena, I have a right to make my own decisions. If I choose to let you be my downfall then so be it.' I try to get her to smile but she refuses. 'And what exactly did you say to Joxer?' Now she smiles.

'Wasn't me.'

'Somehow I don't believe that.' I lean into her, head falling against her shoulder.


	2. Chapter 2

Heaven 2

We huddle together in silence, keeping each other warm in the consuming darkness. Our eyes remain focused on the fire, a hypnotic trance placed on us by the dancing flames. The night isn't really silent, not with singing bugs and calling predators. The movement never really seems to stop, there's always something up and moving out there.

'He didn't follow you did he?' She grins a little.

'I threatened his life if he left camp.' That should work, usually does anyway.

'Xena?'

'Hmm?' The fire light makes her eyes glow and dance.

'I need you to drop the wall.' I pull away from her slightly, watching as her head turns and she looks at me confused. 'That wall you put up. It's still there.' Recognition flashes across her face briefly. 'Please?' Slowly she sucks in a lungful of air as she turns away from me again. 'Xena, please.' My hand moves slowly towards her cheek where my fingers touch it lightly. I gently urge her to look at me again. This time her eyes reflect everything that I've been feeling since we got back; like someone is repeatedly stabbing me in the chest.

There are no words to describe what it's like to experience heaven and hell; and to be an archangel, the most pure form of angel. The things I felt didn't go away when Eli brought us back. It made a small part of me sad, but I knew that with Xena by my side I had no reason to cry. The love I now feel for her is even deeper than before, unlike anything anyone has ever described. So even if she were to hurt me a million times over, I could never leave her.

She looks scared, something I've never really seen; but more than that she's scared of me. I bring my other hand up clasping the other side of her face and bringing her forehead down to mine. Our eyes close as I try to push a sense of serenity from my body into hers.

'I'm supposed to be the strong one.' Her voice is near silent.

'You know it's the strongest who ask for help.' She scoffs at me.

'I hate when you use my words against me.' I caress her cheek and laugh.

'Xena, you're not a warlord anymore. You're not a conqueror or killer. You need to find comfort in your skin as you are now.' We separate slightly, looking into each other's eyes.

'I'm only who I am now, because of you.' She says this so much, yet she never gives credit to herself.

'I may have helped, but it wasn't just me, or Hercules for that matter.' She still has that feeling of contempt and disgust for herself. She doesn't seem to realize that alone make her different from her past. But right now I refuse to argue any further about it. I won't give her a reason to push me away.

'Gabrielle..' She begins, but I stop her before she can go anywhere.

'You know it still hurts.' I play with the palm of my hand where the nail was driven. I can't forget that pain, no matter how much I want to. She takes my hand; bringing it up to her lips and kissing my palm as if that will make it all go away. A twig snaps and my body stiffens. Xena however looks as calm as usual.

'You left Joxer by himself?' She stands turning as Amarice emerges from the trees, a slight blush to her cheeks.

'He was snoring.' She shakes her head. ' Anyway I brought you some things. I figured you guys could use a night away from everything.' She drops a saddle bag a little sheepishly and disappears back into the trees before I can even thank her. Xena chuckles to herself as she walks over to grab the bags. There's a bedroll and another fur which is certain to make my butt happier.

The fire gets built up higher, the bedroll laid out. We lie down, my body clinging to hers as she piles the furs on top of us. I take comfort in the familiarity of this little act that can so easily be taken for granted. She smells the same as always; a combination of leather, sweat, soap, and horse. For some reason I like it, it seems uniquely her even though a thousand men have the same mixture of scents.

She has her breastplate and weapons off, lying down just next to her; ready for a fight should one come. I can feel what she's thinking. Her body is still tense despite the calm demeanor she is exuding. My fingers dance on the back of her hand she has resting on her stomach.

'I love you.' That should explain everything. I shouldn't have to speak any more words beyond those three, that should be it.

'I know.' An answer that says what? Confusion? Uncertainty? 'Gabrielle..' I lean up and kiss her, effectively telling her to shut up. It instantly turns into more than just a kiss as she pulls my body to hers and her tongue thrusts its way inside my mouth.

This is the first time we've actually kissed since Eli brought us back. I didn't realize how much I really missed it. Suddenly there's this frenzied desire to feel all those things we used to have but seem to have forgotten in the last few days. Tears sting at my eyes, but I'm not sure why. I guess it's all the emotions I haven't been able to process yet. I push my body against her, deepening the kiss till neither of us can breathe anymore.

I pull away gasping, bringing my head back down to her shoulder as I renew my grasp on her body. Now is not the time or place the find each other in that way. I still feel the desperation though, clawing its way through my bones. I let my eyes drift close. My only hope is that I can manage to sleep.

'I love you too.' She finally says. Not that I needed her to say anything. The tension begins to release as she relaxes under me. I wonder what other things she saw in heaven and hell. Or maybe that's not it at all, maybe it's something else I'm not getting.

'Will there ever be a time of peace?' I ask.

'No. Even if there were no more God's, man would fight for the sake of fighting. That's why people like us will always be needed.'


	3. Chapter 3

Heaven 3

The sun filters through the trees leaving patterns of light and dark sprinkled along the road. I pull my duster tight around me, trying to keep out the cold. Joxer is waving his sword about as he sings his song, trying to come up with phrases that sound more heroic and warrior like. I think Amarice will kill him soon. I have years of experience in tuning him out, so it doesn't bother me anymore, but she does not have that luxury and we may have a very dead Joxer on our hands soon.

'Hey Joxer?' He stops, looking back at me in surprise before running up to me.

'Yeah?' His eyes are wide and he has such a hopeful look on his face.

'Why don't you go scout ahead for us? We need a place to stop.' I grab his shoulder and he stops breathing with the contact. He finally manages to shake his head frantically, babbling as he takes off down the road. Amarice sighs loudly in relief and Xena starts chuckling next to me.

'I'm not sure I can stop myself from stabbing him.' Amarice grumbles, walking up ahead of us. The trees rattle in the wind and leaves skip across the dry ground. So many things to miss about living and yet so many things I'd be glad to forget.

'It will be nice to go home for a while.' While the silence between us is comfortable I still feel a need to fill it.

'Yeah.' She nods, eyes constantly scanning our surroundings. I grasp her bicep lightly, forcing her to stop and look at me.

'Are you ok?' Her brow creases slightly as she contemplates her response.

'I'm just not feeling good. It will go away.' She smiles, turning to move again but I grasp her arm tighter.

'Xena?' She smiles at me again, leaning in a little closer.

'I'm fine.' I reach up, brushing her cheek with my fingertips. She twitches at first, I'm not meant to do this in public. She gives in though, easing into the touch as a soft smile graces her lips.

I want to kiss her, but I don't think she'd let me. It's fine to show affection to me, but for others to see it would expose a weakness. Xena can never appear weak.

As my hand begins to drop from her cheek, she grabs it between hers, pulling me a little closer. Her lips meet mine briefly, just a tease of a kiss, but it tingles through my body all the same.

'You must be sick.' I give her a grin as she drops my hand and returns to business as usual.

I wrap the fur securely around me as I stare up at the stars. Sometimes I think on cold nights that I can see them even clearer. They sparkle and dance like ice crystals scattered about the ground. Everyone is asleep and snoring, even Xena. She's been getting up later and I'm beginning to worry something is wrong, she of course just brushes me off.

A hand snakes up under my fur, sliding along my leg bringing my attention back down to crystalline blue eyes peering up at me.

'You're shaking.' She whispers softly so no one else can hear.

'I'm cold.' Her hand leaves my leg, sneaking back under her own blanket before she lifts it up, offering it's warmth to me. I throw my fur over hers as I lie down, my back to her front, scooting securely into her warm embrace. Her arms pull me tight against her body as I feel the heat of her breath on the back of my neck. I'm so at ease when I'm in her arms, so comfortable. I find it easy to lose myself in her embrace alone.

Warm, wet lips pepper the back of my neck with kisses. The lightness of them tickles my skin and I do my best to keep from giggling. Her hands begin to roam across my body; I can tell the desire is building in her. I grab her hands with mine, forcing them to stop their unabashed exploration. The kisses however don't stop; they merely turn into something much more sensual, nearly breaking my resolve.

'I miss touching you.' Her lips are moist and sultry against my ear. This time the shivers are not caused by the cold, but by the lust dripping from her lips. She is making this very hard for me, and I'm pretty sure she's meant to be the strong one.

'Not here.' I somehow manage to get out between gritted teeth.

'Now.' She simples states before sucking on the skin just under my ear.

'Not here.' I'm not going to be able to protest for much longer. She sighs but refuses to stop the assault on my neck. Her hands break from my grasp easily as she ignores my protests, letting them roam over every sensitive spot she can reach. Then, suddenly, the assault stops and she renews her previous embrace.

'You're evil.' I mutter. I don't appreciate the state she's left me in, but to do it on purpose is plain rude.

'Warm?' There's a smile in her voice, she's mocking me. 'Come on, get some sleep.' Just like that it's like nothing happened.


	4. Chapter 4

Heaven 4

I wonder now, when I die where exactly am I going? By that time will there be another God and another version of Paradise? Will I go to Elysian Fields, Heaven, or to where the Amazons go? How will I know for sure that Xena and I will be in the same place?

'Whatever it is you're thinking about, stop.' Xena's voice is a low grumble in my ear.

'Why?'

'You don't look to be thinking happy thoughts.' Her hand is on the small of my back for a brief moment.

'Just thoughts.' She doesn't ask me any more questions; I guess my answer is good enough for the time being. Xena had forced Joxer and Amarice to go ahead on to the next village. Both resisted at first but all Xena had to do was glare and their protests stopped. We've been enjoying the silence, basking in the peace that surrounds us. Still, with no one around, Xena is careful not to touch me.

'Xena, can't we just stop now?' She stops, looking intently at me. It's warmer today than it has been and I want to enjoy it.

'What's wrong?'

'Before anything else goes wrong, can we just take a minute away from everyone.' Her eyes search my face.

'Feeling a little crowded?'

'No, and I love them. It's just….. I don't know.' I shake my head and start walking again. She grabs my wrist, forcing me to stop and look back at her. Her fingers slide down to my hand, taking it in a warm grasp. She smiles softly at me, letting me know she understands without saying a word.

'A little bit further up, there's a nice spot with a lake.' She squeezes my hand before letting it go. After a while we come to a beautiful place where wild flowers are growing tall like corn. Walking through the field, my hands drift across the tops of the flowers as the scent drifts through the air. It opens up just as we reach the lake which spreads out into the horizon.

'Wow.' I whisper. The water is calm, surrounded on all sides by wildflowers swaying in the wind. Xena gives me a grin as we unpack our camp and set about building a fire. When we finish I stand by the edge of the water, my eyes closed as I breathe in the scent of peace and tranquility. I can't help the tears that slide silently down my cheeks.

'What's wrong?' Xena comes up to me, cupping my face in her hands.

'We're alive.' She smiles as she pulls me into a hug, sliding her arms under my duster.

'Yes. We are.' She says almost wistfully. I don't think we've had the time to let anything sink in yet. But I can feel it now, pushing down on me, trying to suffocate me. The tears come a little faster now; I don't bother trying to wipe them away. My eyes drift close as my head rests against her chest, listening to the strong beat of her heart. Xena's fingers begin to walk up and down my back in a slow sensual fashion.

Sigh.

The connection we have was severed and we haven't had time to repair it. Her very touch washes me in warmth; I can feel the bonds of hearts slowly connecting. She pulls away from me slightly, arms still wrapped securely around my waist. Her eyes glisten as she looks down at me with a small smile. Slowly her head bows, lips meeting my cheek with a soft caress.

'Xena.' I blink back tears. She looks into my eyes as her thumbs wipe across my cheeks.

'You are my soul.' She whispers, a single tear falling from her eye. Reaching up, my hand slides back behind her head. I urge her to move towards me, our lips meeting softly at first. The hunger for each other proves too much though, as the kiss quickly becomes ravenous. The world washes away as we mend those last few torn threads of our lives.

While we kiss with reckless abandon; our hands move in a much slower fashion, crawling across skin and clothes just to feel the life beneath. We peel away the layers till there's nothing between us but air, and that is too much still. She lowers me to the ground, grass scratching at my back but I don't care.

Her long form presses against mine, skin against skin. We take the time to relish in the rediscovery of our bodies. My hands sweep across her skin, eliciting memories of the last time I was able to touch her like this. Her name comes off my lips as one long moan, my fingers dig into her back as her lips travel along my body.

A thin sheen of sweat has already covered our bodies, creating a slickness as our skin rubs. My legs wrap around her waist, I need to have her closer. Her fingers quickly move down my body and between my legs. She isn't rough, but she isn't gentle as her fingers suddenly push into me. A shock of electricity burns through my body, her names catches in my throat.

Xena's tongue is exploring every inch of my neck as I cling desperately to her. The pace she sets is fast and hard, my body responding quickly as I rock against her. She's breathing hard and fast in my ear, grunts and groans accompany every thrust.

My lungs stop working, my vision darkens, my body becomes stiff as this explosion of energy races through every fiber of muscle. Tears come hard and fast because the emotions are so overwhelming. The fact that we are here, alive and touching each other again. This is not something I have ever taken for granted.

'Shhh.' She's whispering in my ear, telling me how much she loves me, that everything will be ok.

'Xena.' I whisper back, barely able to speak.

'What?' She holds me tight. I want to tell her that she needs to take me and hold on. We may die again tomorrow, we may die in ten years but we will die and I need her love me without reservation.

'I love you.' I can be such a coward.

'I love you too.'


End file.
